Today is my last day of detox and while I can say it wasn’t successful compared to my past ones, I won’t. Instead, I will say that I persevered and didn’t give up.

Sitting amidst 380 people in a gigantic camp theatre nestled in Rockhill, New York, I fought back the endless stream of tears that were burning the back of my throat. (All I had to do was say go.) Up there on the stage was one of my favourite humans, Jonathan Fields, reading a chapter from his new book, How to Live a Good Life. I felt like he was talking directly to me. At that moment, the room ceased to exist. Here was his invitation to me:

Rushing from barbecue to barbecue. Hurriedly scooping up your kids from one activity, only to drop them off at the next. Trying to pack as many activities as possible into one weekend. I see this all the time, and before we know it? BOOM! Summer is over.

Judgement feels like an ex that I can’t quite seem to break up with. These days, it’s such a common theme in my life, creeping up pretty regularly and calling attention to itself. We all judge—even (and sometimes especially)—those of us who try desperately hard not to.

I’ve struck gold! (Okay, not literally.) But I did find some research highlighting the pressures that second generation South Asian women face when they try to bridge eastern and western cultures. Really, identity formation within two cultures is NOT an easy process. Sound familiar? Hell yeah! Ask any of my South Asian girlfriends and they’ll agree 100x over.

I sat on the floor with my knees tucked close to my chest and my arms wrapped around myself. I let the cadence of my breath try to sooth my racing heart, feeling perplexed and less than and hurting. I was closed off, not wanting to open up to anyone for any reason. After all, what if I unleashed the rain only to be unable to stop the torrential downpour? What if I drowned in it?