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How do you show up when the world’s crumbling?

Jan 06, 2021

Determined to make this New Year’s Eve a happy one, I took my time planning the day weeks in advance.  Damned if I’d let this pandemic ruin my vibes even though we were in our second lockdown of the year and this time, right smack in the middle of festive season.  No-one was feeling good.  Reminding myself that real happiness comes from within, I talked myself out of a slump plus I won’t lie, retail therapy helped a lot.  Not a proud moment as I had made a promise to spiral out of impulsive and senseless shopping back in January 2020 but then again, I justified it by blaming it on Covid-19.

I had it all mapped out.  Day drinking filled with fancy homemade gin cocktails that I’d mastered over the summer, expensive champagne chilling in the fridge that I had recently picked up on from a local bottle shop, and a plethora of nibbles and bites to satisfy us all night long.  Not to mention, I’d spent hours on end curating the perfect playlist for NYE and shared with others generously.  Plus, my outfit for the evening-a fancy feathered black pyjama set -was steamed, hung and ready for play.

It took me a hot minute to realize that much of my joy comes from scheming and dreaming. Interesting. Is it possible that in my make believe world, I made my reality a sparkly one?  And in doing so, also made room for joy to join me even if the world outside was crumbling?

Reflecting back to all the times I’ve felt a deep sense of contentment, it’s often been in the wading waters of the unknown.  This surprises me.  Very much a creature of habit and all things routine, actualizing that happiness can be found within the endless and infinite capacity of our thoughts is presenting itself as a novel idea even though I full well know it’s not.  So why now?

Perhaps one can blame the awakening on the pandemic and copious amounts of time we’ve had by being at home.  In this external stillness, a softer terrain brewed inside.  The sandstorm of thoughts waxed and waned, settling in each time a storm had passed to renew again until the next storm.   These stirrings, as subtle as they may have been, brought about profound shifts, some of which were acutely obvious and others, may not reveal themselves for years to come.  One thing’s for sure, wherever you are, you have changed. The question then becomes, how?

My New Year’s Eve was anticlimactic. Falling asleep at 11:45 pm after having fought long and hard to stay awake isn’t exactly ringing in the New Year but you know? It really didn’t matter anymore.  What mattered was that I had a whole lotta fun planning the day and spending most of it doing exactly what I’d planned.  My plans hadn’t included making it to midnight.  Instead, I did what I had intended to do and just like that, I see that tend, my word for 2021, showed up for me when I least expected it.

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